Return of a ‘wounded healer’

ALTHOUGH Andile Gaelesiwe never imagined she would write a book one day, seeing her name as an author on her first memoir, titled Remembering, has brought tears to her eyes.

The 47-year-old multi-talented superstar has penned a book that explores a variety of topics, from her rape horrors to her mother-and-daughter relationship, relationships in general, a relationship with God, anger, hurt, forgiveness and growth.

It’s an unexpected journey into a past she says she left behind, a not-so-easy journey that would sometimes leave her wanting a break after reliving every moment and emotion, she admits.

“The book is a journey of remembering and I hope it inspires the reader to also journey back in order to heal and move forward.

“I really believe that this book wrote itself, organically happening that way. Even the title of it, Remembering, is that whole thing of what trauma does and how our brain is so powerful that it will hide all those things that terrify you.

“So to recollect would be an exercise on its own. So having to put together this entire story the way that we were doing, there were moments that I needed to relive and that is why it took so long. The publishers will tell you that I was very reluctant to,” she adds.

The book, which was due in 2019, took time to complete because Gaelesiwe was not ready, but once she started, the healing began.

“I wrote the book to share my story with people who’ve been through it like me, but also for me to heal and immortalise the whole thing.

And more than anything, part of the healing is letting go and now that everything has been written down, I feel lighter. There’s a whole different air in my life.”

The book covers themes of loss – losing her friends called Akhumzi and Siyasanga, living at boarding school and being beaten and raped by a taxi driver, how the music bug bit her and harassment at YFM, among many other things.

“Looking at the final product was surreal and left me in tears. Firstly, that the process is finally done, but more importantly that the story actually came out of me. I actually did talk about it, I did go to those dark places again, I did write all that down and I am here now – it’s no longer a part of me but a story I shared. It’s a series of experiences that I went through but that no longer defines me.”

Gaelesiwe reckons that her story has left her naked and vulnerable, with her intentions of not wanting to filter any part of her life but wanting to teach South Africa about the various aspects of trauma and the effects of it.

“The truth is that this book is not something I had planned or thought about or even wanted to do. I was not planning for it until the publishers called me wanting a book and I kind of started seeing that if I wrote a book, what kind of book would it be. It is a story that is not fully Andile’s story from beginning to end but what is written is meant to be told.”

Gaelesiwe boasts an illustrious, music, radio and TV career – which she describes as a roller coaster, an adventure and a space of not being sure – never knowing what to expect next.

“But also, it has been a gratifying growth because from where I started to where I am now, first of all, I never thought the trajectory of life would get me here this way. I actually didn’t even know or quite see where I would end up. It has been a lot of flexing of one’s muscles, trusting oneself and also leaning on the scars.

“Because when I do shows like Uthando Noxolo and Khumbul'ekhaya, I know what it’s like not to have a shoulder to cry on, I know what it’s like not to be believed, to feel like an outcast and I know that healing self is not a one-man job. I take all these experiences and apply them in my work.”

Gaelesiwe is now working in spaces of healing and advocacy and sees her entire journey to this point of penning a book as a representation of a full circle in her life.

“It is the most imperative thing that needs to come full circle so that the rest of Andile grows and be moulded and made so that she can continue to do my purpose. And that is my purpose in life, to be a healer – which I discovered a while ago.

“You know the term ‘wounded healer’. You can’t heal if you’ve never been wounded. So there is that space and time in the life of a healer where your scars are really active, you really are in that space of pain. You are sharper and most powerful at that point. As you go through that and then you become useful to people like you who were hurt and then you grow.”